The whole picture
Thoughts to ponder...
It’s messy, it’s exhausting and amongst all of that it’s the most beautiful thing I ever allowed.
I can clearly pin point the long chapter in my life that I spent travelling away from myself. A journey of disconnect from my soul, from my intuition, from my choices that once aligned with my highest good and my natural state of happiness.
For years that chapter has been a stand out to me because it found me in the depths of darkness. Happy from the outside, but, beige, disconnected, glazed over on the inside. It was the chapter that saw excess, indulgence, behaviour that I can now relate to as distraction, as external fulfilment, and while I never consciously had the intention to “let so loose that I came undone” – on a lot of occasions, that is exactly how it ended. Time and time again.
Without the tools, the time, the trust or reason to go “there”, without even knowing there was somewhere I needed to go, I caused pain, I created drama, I continued attracting more pain, more drama.
There was no space.
There was no certainty.
There was a whole lot of fear and a lot of fractured relationships.
I struggled to be truly heard, understood, witnessed, accepted, but little did I know that the missing link was me.
Even after this chapter, I believed that I was beginning again. Only today I realised that I stepped from “total disconnect” onto a path of “oh I was completely disconnected back there” but it took many many more years and more mistakes, and more pain to find myself at the next crossroad.
These signposts were familiar, I’d been guided to this junction on a few journeys with various plant medicines but working with this kind of medicine is not the solution on its own. These intentional ceremonies are incredible, the transmission of intelligence, insight and wisdom is POWERFUL – but this is still not the medicine.
Stepping onto a pathway of healing isn’t neat, it sure isn’t tidy.
Sometimes the medicine is the mistake we made.
Sometimes the medicine is the ending of a relationship.
Sometimes the medicine is the S P A C E.
Sometimes the medicine is subtle, gentle and compassionate. Sometimes the medicine is brutal, hard to swallow but potent all the same.
Sometimes we will resist the medicine venomously cursing the messenger of the necessary truth.
Sometimes we mistake books, courses, retreats, readings, healings for our medicine jumping from one to the next without any self-responsibility to meet ourselves and integrate the experiences in between. The gesture and intention is beautiful, but the ultimate healing awaits us…within us.
Sometimes we need to step into a safe pace of healing absolutely, but no one can wave a wand over us to relieve of us the insights we came here to recall and gather. Sometimes we do need support in gently moving ourselves out of our own way. Healing modalities, plant medicine and even various types of therapy will pave the way indeed, but at some point we must begin to take responsibility for how we are spending our time. With whom. For the behaviours that are moving us away from clarity and vitality towards escapism and haze.
I say this from my own experience as well as strong interest and years of study in human behaviour, our psyche, the personalities of our mind, our motivations, our coping patterns, our self- destruction and our heartbreaking lack of belief in ourselves.
I speak this with more knowing than I have ever anchored in anything.
I will go as far as promising you that YOU are your own medicine.
I am my own medicine.
My medicine is my trust.
My medicine is my devotion to myself, my growth, my connection to spirit and my regular practice. Not in times of despair but every single day.
Through breath, through enquiry, through sitting in the space that aligns me with my state of peace, my state of ease, my state of harmony. By surrounding myself with experiences, well aligned people, the natural world, all of which are buzzing at a vibration higher than me, inspire me, mirror me. Through creating and seeking JOY as a high priority. Through prayer to a source of love that is both outside of me, far greater than me and also….me. By sitting in peaceful stillness to receive.
This doesn’t mean I don’t find myself in the shit storms of life, drowning at times, confused, anxious, stressed OUT, experiencing conflict, feeling misunderstood – what it means is, I don’t stay there, I don’t “become” these states, other areas of my life can still function alongside my challenges and I respectfully create time to be with myself to meet these emotions and stories and the pathways that led me to experiencing them. These states are a form of language, and a language that I am super grateful for taking interest in.
It is no coincidence that I found myself working with girls and women in a counselling space who are experiencing this disconnect or curiosity for “something more”. We reveal the path ahead through our own wrong turns, upside down short cuts, trips and triumphs and I accepted the responsibility a long time ago to support others back towards themselves through joy and education and by committing to being the finest expression of my own unique essence – every single day.
I sit here with a heart so full for this path, for every painful moment, several rock bottoms and an epic “forgetting”, because it was those moments that launched me (in slow motion but at least forward motion) to this moment of remembering right now.
It is an honour and a freaking privilege to be a human on this journey. And whoever you are, I am grateful to be one of your fellow explorers.