The whole picture
Thoughts to ponder...
This may be a friendship, a family member, an intimate relationship, even a relationship with a colleague.
Fear can express itself in many ways. From the turmoil inward and via the subtle voice of behaviour outward, through our language, those little comments we throw out or receive that don't feel so nice, through outbursts of anger or epic explosions.
We might recognise our own fear as not feeling valued or seen in that relationship (this may actually be the truth or a an expression of fear)
We might recognise fear as paranoia, anxiety or jealousy, or the need to be with that person to feel safe or worthy or loved - that is no ones responsibility other than our own and it is possible.
This might look like stories we create, tell ourselves and believe ie “I’m obviously not important enough” “They don’t make time for me”.
It might look like comparison and expectation “they make time for that person” or “I want my relationship to look like this this and this” which is actually passing our own judgement and expectation onto someone else for them to hold and juggle.
It might look like needing something from that person, and that person not actually having the capacity or learned behaviours to meet you there or give you that (or the desire at that stage of their life).
It might look like needing to resolve something for the sake of it being resolved because some aspect of you feels validated by being in that relationship. This could include casting all of your own knowing and your own values aside just to simply be at peace within something that may not actually be respectful or aligned with you.
Here is what will help:
Remind yourself that every single person is juggling their own balls. Their work/study ball, their family responsibility ball, their mental health ball, their physical health ball, their awareness of self ball, every other relationship ball....your relationship with that one person is just one ball, and it is not their responsibility to make you feel loved, safe, needed, worthy, seen, supported. You deserve these things of course, and in healthy, balanced relationships built on trust it will be the natural environment but it is not their responsibility
Things also change, life circumstances change, priorities change, paths split in two and take different courses, we are met with health challenges or health challenges of loved ones which might take our time, energy and attention for a while.
Our insecurities, although not all our own doing, are our own responsibility to meet, understand, process and move beyond. Human relationships are an incredible part of this journey, our mirrors, our training grounds, our battle fields at times...you get to choose whether each relationship is creating the conditions for personal growth, happiness and therefore health, or depleting you of these things.
Just be aware of these expressions of fear, the language of fear, the behaviour of fear...you will pick on them because they feel “bleh”, they feel lower vibrational, they feel the opposite to your natural state of being which looks, feels and sounds like love and trust.
Know that conflict is a form of heat and fire has the potential to burn away that which needs to be renewed, restored. Conflict is not something to be feared but something to develop as a skill - like any other. It takes deep self worth and practice to be able to stand in your centre and own your truth. Just remember that truth is yours only - the other person has there own truth in that moment and that is ok too.
The relationships of love and trust don’t need anything from you, do not expect anything of you, they inspire you, they have a sense of joy, ease and lightness about them. These are the people in your life that you can go weeks or months without seeing and that's no big deal, because their foundation is trust. I am so grateful for many of these beautifully meaningful relationships in my life and I hope that this brings light to the relationships you are in.
I believe it was Elkhart Tolle that said if we find our here and now intolerable we only ever have three choices
1) remove yourself from the situation
2) accept your situation
3) change it somehow
This morning I sit here pondering whether it could be a combination of all threes Remove yourself from your own hooks of expectation, accept the part you play in that relationship and make a choice for yourself about whether the season of that relationship is naturally evolving OR change the dynamic of that relationship i.e. find a gentle, peaceful ok-ness in how you dance with one another in that relationship, dropping away the "shoulds", the expectations, the neediness, the comparisons with other relationships which are only going to weigh you down. You don't need that.
You do need to know that what you contribute to any relationship (your half of it) will only be as much as you contribute to yourself. Meaning what you are needing from others you are truly needing from yourself. When we make peace with this idea, the edges of expectation soften and we begin to remember and reconnect to the beauty in each of our relationship containers, because we realise we are partly responsible for the cleanliness and sacredness within them - and if that relationship doesn't feel sacred, balanced, equal - that is your insight right there. Begin with deep respect for yourself, and a gentle, compassionate unpacking of your own suitcases from your past that have been craving your time and attention.
With love xx